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10:29 am - January 01, 2004 D and I went out with friends Matt and Erin last night. We went to Friday's and got blasted on Blue Moon, mud slide's, frozen strawberry margaritas and more beer. Then we proceeded to the movie theatre (the one I used to work at) and watched Mona Lisa Smile. "She's smiling...but is she happy?" And got out just in time to hit up some Asti to ring in the new year. I can't think of much to say right now that is fairly interesting. I could sit here all day and type out "what I did the last few days" and "update-type" stuff. But I won't. My mood has been up and down, and up and down, and then some more. I am happy, frusterated, sad, nervous, anxious...all in one. I'm definitly more than slightly unstable. I feel as though I am sitting on top of a fence post, comfortable, afraid to get down and make decisions on my own. I am having dreams, more and more, about car accidents. People dying that I know. Me dying. Lot's of hurt and pain and remembrance of blood and broken windshields and hospitals. I don't know why really. Driving makes me more nervous now then ever. I may appear calm and collected while doing so, but inside my heart is racing and if you look closer, you'll see my knuckles are white on the wheel. I don't want to analzye every move I make though (rather just say what is happening and not worry about "why" it is) - that's just silly and makes me into a "typical girl." Over-analytical. I am best at hiding my emotions until I feel the time is right to let them go. I am best at hiding myself and trying not to draw attention. Funny thing is, that's when I get the most. I dropped my Women in History class, and picked back up Advanced Fiction Writing. I'll do ok...the professor makes me nervous with his "I'm a published author" aura and attitude. I suppose it's not nervous though...rather...jealous, because I want that attitude. Maybe one day. The other classes I'm taking are the following: Advanced Creative Non Fiction. Women in Literature. The 19th Century British Novel (more of an advanement from the 19th Century Novel class I took last semester). And then the Advanced Fiction Writing. Classes start on the 12th and in a few short months, I'll be done. For good. Hello real world and real newspaper job and real 401k problems and everything else. The years go by so fast now. I want them to stop, slow down. I want to stand in front of them, hold my hand out, and press them back. The people, places, events, they all blur together, a mix inside my head. No wonder I feel so lost sometimes. I want the J back that I knew last summer, because the last months have been the worst, EVER. My mom says if I can survive this engagement, then I can for sure survive the marriage. I'm hoping so, because I know that I'm going insane. I want the happy all the time and not just sometimes person back. I want the D back that I knew a few years ago. I hate how people change. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I've changed so much that I don't know what to do anymore because everyone else is staying the same. I'm gonna go...I'm still trying to figure out some domain stuff. I'm hoping to move the journal soon. Then I can really let loose here and not worry about stupid assholes reading this that I don't want too, or people giving the password away to those I don't want here. Anyway....lata...
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